Dear Sara (a short)

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Dear Sara (a short)

Post by sophia2rebecca on Tue Feb 21, 2017 4:26 pm

CONTENT WARNING: THIS SHORT CONTAIN STRONG MENTIONS OF EATING DISORDERS AND MENTIONS TOWARDS SUICIDE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY STUFF LIKE THIS.


Dear Sara,


     Everyone has a daily routine. Some of us don’t even realize we have routines. I know I a had routine. I would wake up get ready and then go to the place some like to call a school. This would seem normal until we get to the part of the routine that is lunch. Lunch was my worst nightmare. I hate it, I despise it for the sole reason that it in involves my worst enemy. Food. Nothing scared me more than the idea of eating and not being able to dispose of that food in some way. On the days where my friends pester me to eat I have to get rid of it immediately. It scares me more than anything else to have a full stomach. I have been diagnosed multiple times by therapists with Anorexia Nervosa they’re liars they just want me to get fat so that they can taunt me.

    They tell me I have a problem. I don’t see this problem the only problem is the fact that I’m not my goal weight yet because my stupid pig self-liked to binge on cheesy foods. Late at night I creep down the stairs the hunger in my stomach fueling irrationality and making me want, crave & desire food any food. So I’ll eat the first thing I see. Cheesy rice dinner my favorite. Then I raid the cupboards for more food after I gobble up the rice in under 5 minutes. I move onto cheez-its. Then before I realize it I’m sitting on the kitchen floor empty food wrappers surrounding me. Then I take off up the stairs as quietly as possible. I don’t need my family seeing my dirty work, and just like that my toothbrush is done my throat and the contents of my binge are down the toilet.

     I’ll usually sit on the floor for a while crying telling myself how disgusting I am. I never can stay strong because I’m a fat piece of shit who can’t control herself. One night you caught me emptying my binge into the bowl. You screamed and cried for our mom. My mother came rushing into the room asking you “Sara what’s wrong?” “Felicia was making herself-throw up she had her toothbrush down her throat” she had explained in a panicked voice.

     My mother’s eyes averted from my little sister to me “Felicia what the heck this is dangerous!” From there it started my mother sent me to a rehabilitation center. These people thought seemed to be under the impression I was stupid. Puking is not the only way to get rid of food. I would smuggle laxatives from the doctor's area. Just small amounts so they wouldn’t know they were gone. I would eat and have to wait the 30 minutes till I was allowed to use the restroom. Then I’d pop 3 laxatives and do what I had to do.



     I was released after 3 months with a note from my therapist that I was greatly improving. I returned home and to school with a shiny bill of health. The doctors had told my mother not to let me go to the bathroom within 30 minutes of meals. It lasted for about a week before I was able to stop using the laxatives. However, I was still forced to eat at all meals no exceptions. I was able to skip out on breakfast and lunch since I “ate those at school”. I was able to end the day with about 400-600 calories flushed down the toilet. It was so easy to not eat the gnawing hunger in my stomach helped me keep going. After about 1 month from being back from “rehab”, I had reached the star number of 95lbs. I was ecstatic to reach 96lbs, but there was that little voice in the back of my head whispering “it’s not enough you’ll be perfect at 90.”
     
     So then it went I barely ate anything I would skip out on meals at dinner by getting into huge fights with my mom about eating my food. Then later in the evening when she would bring me my dinner to my room. So I’d throw it into the trash can next to my bed and cover it up. My mother never was the brightest so she never checked to see if I was disposing of my food I totally had her fooled.

     Till I messed up. I hadn’t eaten in approximately 5 days. I blacked out at school. I had become very dizzy and blacked out. I had been sent to the er immediately and they determined I was malnourished.  MY mother of course wanted to send me back to the rehab center. I, of course, did not want to go back. So I begged my mom to not make me go back that I was just a slip-up and it wouldn’t happen again. My mother believed me and told me that if it happened again I was going back and that she wanted to weigh me every morning. She wanted me to gain at least ½ a pound a day. I wouldn’t let her weigh me completely naked so I did it in a robe. The easiest way to add weight to me without actually gaining any is tape quarters to the inside of your robe. Make sure you spread them out so the weight balances out.

     Like most things, the weighing thing didn’t last long and my mother went back into her busy schedule. Once again I was able to not have to eat. It was just so easy to reach that goal weight of 90lbs. Once again though I heard that taunting little voice in the back of my head almost hissing “not good enough once you reach 85 lbs you will be perfect.” So once again I fell into the routine of not eating and when I did I just threw it all up. It was all too easy.


    School had become progressively worse. I was so close to failing almost all of my classes. I will never forget when I brought home my report card and I had 3 D’s. Mom screamed at me about how disappointed she was in me and she “knew I could do better than this.” I went to the toilet and relieved my stress into there and went on my merry way promising mom, my grades would improve and immediately shutting her idea of a tutor down. I knew deep down the reason I was struggling so much in school. I weighed myself in that night and the taunting number of 91.3 stared back at me. How was I gaining weight? It didn’t make any sense what so ever I was eating nothing and when I did I got rid of it.


     That night I went to google with the search “Why am I gaining weight even though I am eating nothing?” I clicked on the first link which was a yahoo answers question. I scrolled down briefly reading the question. My eyes settled on the first answer which said that because I wasn’t eating anything my body was grasping onto anything it could and was storing it as fat. How could I fix this? I then googled “How to stop my body from storing food as fat when I'm not eating anything.” The results were very unhelpful. I’d have to figure this out on my own. I HAD to figure out a way to keep losing weight. I needed to lose weight if I just lost those next few pounds I’d be a perfect weight.


    The next morning I had made my decision tonight I would do it. I had to act fine all day to succeed I stopped at the drug store on my way home from school and marched my way upstairs and hid what I had bought in my drawer to my dresser. Then I ate dinner with you and mom. After I had finally heard mom shut her door I began. So here I am I have already taken 1 ½ bottles of pills. I needed to write you a letter to explain everything and say goodbye. I hope this letter will give you some closure. Please tell mom that I loved her and she could have done nothing to prevent this. I couldn’t deal with the thought of gaining too much weight. Last night I had realized something. The only way I could be perfect is if I was no longer among the living.

I love you.


                                            Your Sister,
                                            Felicia.

sophia2rebecca

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